I Don't Know How To Forgive ...But I Want To

 I asked someone the other day, what's the biblical definition for God's love? They couldn't answer me because they had no idea. Yet they had been a Christian for many years and felt themselves to be quite knowledgeable about biblical things. It was just that no one had ever asked them that question, so they had never considered it. the other day, “What’s the biblical definition of God’s love?”

One passage that helps us understand what that love looks like in practice is Philippians 2:3–4. I would paraphrase it this way:

“Set aside selfish ambition(denying yourself and humbly consider the needs of others meet their needs), rather than looking only to your own (before your own)”  —  Personal paraphrase of Philippians 2:3–4

It was interesting. We were having a great conversation before this came up. Then the discussion froze, and the room felt icy cold instantly.

You see, the person I was talking to had just poured their soul out to me about how they hated different people and were never going to forgive them. The more they talked about it, the more deeply concerned I became for the person carrying all that hurt.

When we think about the things that have been done to us, whether innocently or maliciously, we feel the pain of that betrayal. And we want to avoid being exposed to that kind of difficulty or pain ever again.

Sometimes the person who is offended isn’t really offended with you. They’re offended with someone else from their past, but now it’s like a raw nerve. They respond to you as if you were part of the same pain.

They may try to protect themselves from more pain by becoming offended, unforgiving, bitter, or vengeful in return.

I really do understand those emotions. Life isn’t fair to most of us. And I’ve had more than my share of people who created problems that were wrong and painful. I regretted even being in those situations for a while, until I prayed and asked God for help.

I discovered a couple of verses in Scripture that really spoke to me.

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Colossians 3:13, NIV

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Ephesians 4:32, NIV

The first verse is about forgiving each other, even when there is a grievance between us. Will we forgive as the Lord forgave us?

When we come to Him with our problems, our pain, our stubbornness, and our sin, we ask for forgiveness. We count on God to forgive us as He has promised.

But then there’s our response to that: we’re to forgive each other as the Lord has forgiven us.

That can be uncomfortable. It’s one thing when someone says, “Forgive me,” and you say, “Well, okay, I forgive you.” But do we? Do we really want to forgive someone else?

God takes this seriously. Jesus teaches us that we cannot ask for the Father’s forgiveness while refusing to forgive others.

Now, I’ve heard people say over and over again, “Yeah, I would forgive if it were easy. But it’s not easy, because every time I think of it, it’s like I’m injured all over again.”

There is some truth to that. When we keep playing the experience through our minds, we can feel the pain all over again. It can become like an infection inside our hearts, poisoning how we think and feel, our perspective, and even how we trust people.

Sometimes those memories come without our invitation. That doesn’t mean we haven’t forgiven. But when they come, we can ask God to help us respond without feeding the bitterness again.

Now, forgiveness doesn’t mean the other person was justified in what they did. God is not saying, “Forgive them, then be completely open and let them do it to you again.”

What He tells us is to forgive as He has forgiven us. We forgive them for Jesus’ sake.

The same blood of Jesus that cleanses us from our sins is sufficient for the other person, too. The person trapped in sin and bad decisions needs His forgiveness, healing, and freedom, just as we do.

If we really want Jesus to work in our lives, it’s important to realize that our response matters, too.

We want to be free in Jesus. We sing all kinds of songs and read wonderful books, Scriptures, and psalms that remind us we can be free in Him.

But sometimes we read our Bibles like we’re at a smorgasbord. We say, “Oh, I want this, and I like that, so I’ll have a double dose of that. But ugh, I don’t like Job because it’s about suffering. Let’s skip that one.”

The problem is that if we’re really going to know God’s will and what God thinks, we can’t pick the flavors we like and skip the rest.

The Bible is a love letter, and we trust that God loves us enough to tell us the truth—even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s not what we want to hear.

Our old nature, our flesh, is at war with the things of God. Sometimes when we read God’s Word or hear it taught, it grates on us like fingernails on a blackboard. It’s asking us to do something really uncomfortable compared with what the world encourages us to do.

Betrayal hurts. And if we’re prone to “keep score,” holding on to that hurt can seem more justified than it really is.

If Jesus was willing to forgive our sins, we can ask Him to help us forgive others for His sake.

When we forgive others, it’s amazing how we discover that we can actually pray for them. Sometimes we can even build a relationship with them. That doesn’t mean returning to the same situation that created the pain. Trust may need to be rebuilt, and some relationships may need boundaries.

Jesus forgives us without continually bringing our sins back up to condemn us. When we forgive, we’re called to follow His example.

We don’t have to keep going back to the offense and using it against the person. We can live in the moment after forgiveness and leave the old part in our history, rather than dwelling on it daily.

The second Scripture says:

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Ephesians 4:32, NIV

That Scripture speaks to me. I am to be kind as Jesus is kind. I need to be compassionate toward others, even when they’re not as easy or comfortable to be around as I’d like.

If Jesus loves their souls, so should we.

When they fail, we forgive them as God has forgiven us in Christ. He does not hold forgiven sins against us. Through the shedding of Jesus’ blood, there is forgiveness for sin.

So, I don’t know about you, but I really want to forgive. I really want to be free of it. I don’t want this stuff playing over and over again in my heart and in my head. I don’t want to replay it and hurt all over again.

What I do want is freedom. And peace and joy. And love and mercy. And all the other beautiful things Scripture tells us we can have.

We receive these things by God’s grace, and He calls us to walk in His way. We have to make the choice, over and over again, until forgiveness becomes our habit: as we are forgiven, we forgive. As we don’t want our failures continually held against us, we don’t keep score against others.

I’m ready for the freedom that comes when that “tape” of the bad experience no longer runs my life.

And when it does pop up, I can say, “Wait a minute. I have given this to Jesus. I don’t have to carry it again. This hurt does not define who I am.”

When the accusations come, I can say, “Satan, the accuser of the brethren, I rebuke you in Jesus’ name. You can leave now.”

Then I can go about my day—not tied in knots, bitter, or miserable, but free, at peace, and ready to love the next person Jesus puts in front of me.

Wouldn’t you like that, too?

It’s simple in concept. Challenging in application.

Know what Scripture says, and accept that what God says is true. The old saying is, “God said it, I believe it, that settles it.”

But the challenging part is applying it.

We’ve developed a habit of reminding ourselves about the wounds and hurts we’ve experienced so we can avoid that pain again. Sometimes the experience was so painful that, even if the person has died, we can still replay it and become upset all over again.

That hurt can leave us feeling bound up morally, psychologically, and emotionally. Bitterness can interfere with our freedom to love, worship, and serve God with all our hearts.

If these were metal chains, we could get a cutter and cut them. But when it comes to chains tied around our hearts, we need Jesus to set us free. Sometimes that healing also involves prayer and support from trusted people who help us walk through the pain.

And you can look in the mirror and say:

“I am God’s child. With the power of God working through His Word in my life, I will not let the pain of my past rule my life.

Lord Jesus, help me start again. I surrender myself and these hurts to You. Teach me to forgive as You have forgiven me.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Take this as a challenge. Do you want people to be drawn to you, grow closer to you, and trust you? Be transparent. Be open. Be available, with wisdom about whom you trust.

And forgive as you are forgiven.

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Mark 11:25, NIV

they had never considered it. I am going to quote it here.

“Set aside selfish ambition(denying yourself and humbly consider the needs of others meet their needs), rather than looking only to your own (before your own)”  — Amplified Paraphrase of Philippians 2:3–4

 It was interesting. We were having a great conversation. Before this, this comment came up, then the discussion froze and the room felt icy cold instantly. You see the person I was talking to. Had just poured their soul out to me about how they hated different people and were never going to forgive them. And the more they talked about it, the more it became a deeply concern for the soul of the person who was complaining. 

Because when you think about the things that have been done to you. Whether innocently or maliciously it is clear that we are offended by that betrayal. And we want to avoid being exposed to that kind of difficulty or pain ever again.  

Sometimes the person that is offended isn't really offended with you. They're offended with someone else from their past, but now it's like a raw nerve. They respond to you as if you were part of the same pain. 

They subconsciously prevent pain by being offended or unforgiving or bitter or vengeful in return. 

I really do understand all those emotions. Life isn't fair to most of us. And I've had more than my share of people who qualify for this kind of a problem. As they created issues that were wrong. And they were painful. And I really regretted even being in that situation for a while until I prayed and asked God for help.

 I discovered in Scripture a couple of different verses that really spoke to me.

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”Colossians 3:13

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

 The first verse is about forgiving each other. Even if they've got a problem with you or you've got a problem against them. Would you forgive as the Lord forgives us? When we come to him with our problems and our pain. And her stubbornness in our sin. We ask for forgiveness. We hold God responsible to forgive as he promised he would. 

But then there's the next resonse to that, which is that we're to forgive each other like the Lord has forgiven us. That's seeming to be uncomfortable. It's one thing that someone says forgive me. And you say, well, OK, I forgive you. But do we? Do we really want to be forgiving someone else? Well, God's telling us in His Word that if we want God to forgive us. We must forgive others the same way. 

Now I've heard people say over and over again. “Yeah, I would forgive if it was easy, but it's not easy because every time I think of that, it's like I'm injured all over again.”

There is some truth to that. Because every time we think of it and we play it through our mind subconsciously, we reinjure ourselves. We re-live the pain. And it gets deeper and more festered and more like an infection inside of our heart. That poisons how we are thinking, and feeling, our perspective, and even how we trust people. 

Now that doesn't mean that the other person is legitimate in their failure. God is not saying you forgive them and then be completely open and let them do it to you again. What God says is as I have forgiven you, you forgive them and you forgive them for Jesus sake. 

The same blood that washed us free from our sins, not only for salvation but for day to day problems. Is the same blood that needs to be available to heal or destroy the sin, or deliver or set free the other person who is trapped in their sin and in their bad decisions. 

If we really want Jesus to work in our lives. It's important. That we realize that this is a two way street. We want to be free in Jesus. We sing all kinds of songs and read wonderful books, scripture and psalms and other places that remind us that we can be free in Jesus. 

But if you read your Bible like most of us do, it's more like a smorgasbord. When you say, “oh, I want this and I like that. So I'll have a double dose of that.  But ugh, I don't like Job because it's about suffering. So let's skip that one.” The problem is that if we're really going to know God's will and what God thinks we can't pick the flavors we like and skip the rest. The Bible is a love letter, and we trust God will love us enough to tell us the truth. Even when it's uncomfortable. Even when it's not what we want to hear. Because our old nature, our flesh is definitely at war with the things of God. And sometimes when they read God's word or hear His word. It grates on us like fingernails on a blackboard. Because it's telling us to do something or asking us to do something that is really uncomfortable compared to what the world that encourages us to do. I remember. 

But it hurts when betrayal happens no matter what. And if we are prone to “keep score.“ sometimes it seems more justified than it really is. 

If Jesus was willing to forgive anything we have ever done, certainly we can forgive the others for Christ's sake. When we forgive others it's amazing how then we discover that we can actually pray for them. Sometimes we can even build a relationship with them. When we pray as God wants us to. That doesn't mean that we repeat the thing that was done before that created the pain before.  As Jesus sees us and forgives us and doesn't keep score or remind us. When we forgive we forgive as God forgives. 

Therefore,  we don't look back at it or we don't go back to it. We don't replay it. We live in the moment. After the forgiveness. And we leave the old part in our history. And not dwell on it daily. 

The second scripture is. Be kind. And compassionate to one another. Forgiving each other just as Christ has forgiven us. Ephesians 4:32. NIV.

 That scripture speaks to me that I am to be kind as Jesus is kind. I need to be compassionate to one another, even if they're not as desirable, even if they're not as comfortable to be around as we'd like. But if Jesus loves their souls, so should we. And therefore when they fail, or their peers even fail. We forgive them and each other, just as Jesus forgave us. And when Jesus forgives, he forgets by His choice. The blood washes their sins away. Where Jesus was beaten when he was crucified and by the shedding of their blood there is forgiveness for sin. 

So I don't know about you. But I really want to forgive. I really want to be free of it. I want to have this stuff playing over and over again in my heart, in my head. I don't want to replay it and hurt myself again and again and again. What I do want is freedom. And peace and joy. And love and mercy. And all the other beautiful things scripture calls that we can have. But the price for those is simple. We have to do it Jesus way so as He forgives and forgets. We have to make the choice over and over again until it becomes second nature. That as we are forgiven, we forgive. As we'd only have score kept on us. We don't keep scoring others. 

I'm ready for the freedom that comes when I no longer have that “tape” of the of the bad experience playing in the back of my mind. And when it does pop up, I can say wait a minute. The blood of Jesus washed that clean. That's no longer a part of me. So Satan, the accuser of the brethren, I rebuke you in Jesus name and you can leave now. And then go about my day. Not tight in knots. Not bitter or miserable, but free, at peace and ready to love the next person that Jesus puts in front of Me. Wouldn't you like that too? I

It's really simple in concept. Challenging an application. Simply. Know what Scripture says? And accept that what God says is real. The old saying is “God said it, I believe it that settles it.” 

But the challenging part is that we have to apply it. We've got a bad habit of reminding ourselves about the wounds and hurts we've had so we can avoid that pain again. Sometimes it was painful enough. That even if the person is dead, we can still replay it and be upset all over again, even though they're not there to be dealing with it. It's called spiritual “bondage” which is when someone or something ties you up in knots morally, psychologically and emotionally. And they cause you and I to not be “free”. Free to love, free to worship. Free to serve God with all your heart. If we were the metal chains, we could go get a cutter and cut it. But when it comes to chains, tied around our heart. Only the blood of Jesus breaks those chains. Then you are really free.. And you? Look in the mirror and say, “ I am God's child. And with the power of God through His word in my life. I am not going to repeat the pain of my past. Or what has been done for me or to me? Lord Jesus, help me. To start over again. Surrender to you. In Jesus name, Amen.” 

Take this as a challenge. You want people to be drawn to you and closer to you and trust you. Be transparent. Be open. Be available. And forgive as you are forgiven.

 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”  Mark 11:25 NIV