Faith and Addiction Recovery | Erin Zandstra

David W Ebel: This is another episode of God Says Yes. We welcome you here. My name is David Ebel, and I'm your host. After fifty plus years of ministry, I still have a passion for reaching people where they're at. Real people with real problems. Sometimes we're doing great, but sometimes we struggle. And this is a podcast for those who struggle and for those who know someone struggling. This is a place to have encouragement. This is a place where no matter what's going on, We can find a way for God to say yes in your situation. God's not a yes man, but he does love us. He created us to love from the inside out. Before we were a twinkle twinkle in anyone's eye, he already loved us. He created us and gave us faith and hope. In our spiritual DNA, we were born with it. And now as we mature and we get to a point of crisis where we need him, whether it's a little crisis or a very big one, doesn't matter. When we need him, that that faith steps in. And we can trust him. We can trust him like we've trusted no one else. And he's you know, God never failed us. Man fails us, and heaven knows we've been failed and cheated and all those things. And regardless of how you've come to the spot you're at, God will meet you where you are and have a personal relationship with you. Just you and him, the way it needs to be, so that you understand him and he can he can know that you we have a conversation going. So that's why we're here. And I have with me a a wonderful sister in the Lord. Her name is Erin. Erin's answer. And Erin's story is is not unique, but is real. And that's the kind of my are my favorites. So Erin, welcome. I'm glad you're here.

 

Erin Zandstra: Thank you. It's an honor to be here.

 

David W Ebel: And tell us about yourself. We wanna we don't want to talk to strangers, we wanna make friends.

 

Erin Zandstra: Okay, so my name is Erin. I am fifty-six years old. I am a mom of four, a grandma to two. I am married to a wonderful husband. I am currently a waitress. Love my job. I used to be a teacher. Actually, I was an international school teacher for about 16 years. So, from about two thousand two to twenty eighteen and moved back to the US in two thousand eighteen and been waitressing ever since. And yeah, I love to be outside. I live near Lake Michigan and I love just everything Lakeshore. So

 

David W Ebel: Absolutely. Aaron and I have something in common. We're both from Michigan. So even before we get we we were talking online, we were celebrating the fact that we knew we knew stuff together, and that's always fun.

 

Erin Zandstra: Yeah.

 

David W Ebel: So Aaron our podcast is God says yes. And to do that we need to know how God can say yes to you or to anyone else. So tell us who you were before Jesus.

 

Erin Zandstra: Ooh, yeah. Before Jesus. I was misguided, I would say is probably the big word. pretty traumatic childhood. dysfunctional, chaotic, unstable. not unloving. It was a loving home. It just wasn't it just wasn't stable or centered. Definitely not a godly home. And so from there I just proceeded to do things that were not part of who God made me to be. So I went in directions that pleased my selfish desires pretty much and made lots of mistakes and just really was very selfish. I would call myself very selfish. And I think the way that I got that way was that I never felt seen. as a young child. So that growing up, my goal was to make myself be seen, feel accepted, find belonging, all of those things. But I didn't know how to do it. So I did it in all the wrong ways. from

 

David W Ebel: first.

 

Erin Zandstra: Just, you know, so I developed a lot of bad habits because I was trying to manufacture identity. And I did that by just building a fake persona, trying to be something I wasn't, trying to we didn't grow up with money, so I would try to pretend that I had money. I started lying a lot from a young age to protect myself, to to make people think I was someone I wasn't. And I think that just that just kind of continued my whole life. obviously I, you know, I got married and had kids. And that gave me some identity being a mom. And I just so then I but so then I I was able to shift from all of the kind of selfish behavior and kind of put all that into my kids. And I did that. But that was kind of selfish too because I wasn't I wasn't guiding them really. I was putting my identity in who they were instead. I feel like I was a really good mom, but I I didn't have I didn't raise them in a godly home. Like we went to church, but I wasn't stewarding And so and my my now ex husband, their father, he also didn't really care to be in church. So he was also kind of a verbally abusive man. And so there was so therefore I had transferred the chaos that I grew up in into the chaos of my children's home. Which we do we do we reproduce if we don't know better. if we don't if we don't know how God plans for a covenant of marriage or plans for steward to stewardship of children, we'll just repeat the patterns that we know. And so I did exactly that. And I did it without even knowing it. I thought I was gonna be a better mom and not have my kids go through all that. And lo and behold, I did the same things.

 

David W Ebel: so basically you ended up being a wild child just because you didn't know how not to be. And I understand that. I was one of those two. And it wasn't because I wanted to be a wild child, I just had no idea what else there was. And I wanted to be seen and loved, so I did things to be seen and loved. Or I thought I was loved at least. So then how you how did you meet Jesus and what was the experience like?

 

Erin Zandstra: So there were a couple of different things. So my ex-husband's parents, my ex-in-laws, I still call them my in-laws because they're precious to me, but they were they were Christ followers, they were believers. And so and that's how my ex-husband actually grew up. He grew up in a Christ centered home. so why he didn't transfer that into our home, I don't know. But his parents brought me to church. I went to church with them when we would hang out with them. We would they always wanted us to be in church and I grew up Catholic. I didn't say that part in the beginning. And so I didn't really know what church was like where you have a sermon that shows you how it goes into your regular life, like how it gives you life advice from God. I didn't know that. And so when I went to that church, I was like, and it just made so much sense. And I loved it. I really loved it. And so that's where I got like my first introduction to Jesus was through my ex-in-laws. but they they for the life of them, they couldn't they couldn't change my stubborn heart to like want to go all the time. And I was in a marriage that wasn't Christ centered, so there of guidance from my spouse, their son. So I don't I can't pinpoint why I wasn't willing to make that shift to give my life to Christ at that point, but I had a glimpse. I had there a seed was planted at that time. And she, my mother-in-law, she, God bless her, she she never gave up. She always was. Sending Bibles, sending me books about, you know, being a woman of God. Like she was just always trying. And we had a great relationship. And so when I was in when we moved overseas to China, China's not China's a communist country, so there's not like open religion really there. But God things still happen in ever in every part of the world, right? So, the up first apartment we were at, then the first people I met were peop were Christians. The people below us, and then the first like woman friend that I met. And so they invited me to church right away. So very first thing I found a church in China and we did go. My my husband at the time didn't really want to go, but but I did I did get involved in the church. I did a few Bible studies and and that was that was another thing that happened that was like, you know Maybe this Jesus thing is good. And

 

David W Ebel: Mm-hmm.

 

Erin Zandstra: so but it was still very surface level for me, I would say.

 

David W Ebel: Well, yeah, but you know it here before you know it here.

 

Erin Zandstra: Right. So I was wanting it and I was really like my heart longed for it, but my heart didn't know what it was yet or how to get there. There was still a pretty big gap between my wanting it and needing Jesus to my being able to give my life and surrender to him.

 

David W Ebel: Mm-hmm.

 

Erin Zandstra: So in that gap, the marriage just started to decline. And in that decline, I decided that drinking might be a fun way to cope. So I decided that I would just start, you know, having drinks instead of dealing with the pain of the failing marriage and having these four kids to raise. So and hindsight lever just like another fact of my life way before this, I had started drinking when I was a young girl, probably seventeen, eighteen and I had quite an alcohol issue before I met my husband. But he wasn't a drinker, so I was able to kind of put it all on the back burner. As I met him and started to have kids, alcohol really took a back seat. I kinda put it off for a while. And then when stuff got real hard again, I went back to my old friend who had helped me before when I didn't know how to fit in and all that stuff. So so I started drinking and And that, you know, it it started off pretty mild, but as we know, it you know, if you don't know anything else, I guess I just got more and more dependent on it as we do. And

 

David W Ebel: Mm-hmm.

 

Erin Zandstra: so then I stopped going to church altogether because we

 

David W Ebel: Mm-hmm.

 

Erin Zandstra: actually moved we actually changed countries. We went to Thailand for two years, tried a church there and that wasn't really that didn't really work out. So I just kind of put church away for a while and decided I wasn't gonna do that anymore. And and because I did that, there was there was no one telling me what was right and wrong. There was no Holy Spirit guidance. My family was back in the United States. And so I just decided that I knew what I needed to do and I was gonna manage everything myself. I

 

David W Ebel: the that's always fine.

 

Erin Zandstra: isn't it fun. So I man I decided to manage my drinking, manage my kids, manage my behavior, like manage everything. But we all know that in our own strength well, I know now, but then I didn't in my own strength I could not hold it all together. And so everything just got worse. And so I'll fast forward to I moved home. My ex and I got to a point where things were just not gonna continue working. He got fired from a job and I had to move home with my kids. And I got home and decided that I was just gonna be okay. without him. So I started separation papers. There was infidelity in the marriage. There was a lot of verbal abuse. Like I said, it wasn't healthy. And I thought this was the time for me to make my separation from him permanent. So I got a job in the States. He stayed in China. I put my kids in school and the and then I was free from him for a while. So I decided, well, I'll just drink more. So I decided to work in a restaurant and well, the drinking just got really bad. It got really, really, really bad. And I ended up with a pretty bad drinking and driving incident where I had to go to court and go to probation. I was in jail. I broke my probation twice. I so I ended up in jail for an even longer time. during this time, I met my now husband because I was on like a dating site. He was not, he didn't know about my drinking. He just knew I met him when I was on probation. So he just he just thought, because of what I told him, that I was in the wrong place at the right time, at the wrong time. So he he thought that I was just, you know, it was a one off this thing that I got caught doing. And I should never have gotten caught. And he so he I never told him how bad the drinking ever really was. And so when I got off probation and he was a drinker, I got off probation and I just went right back to it with him. And that quickly spiraled into him and I having a very heavy drinking relationship. And yeah, that just kept going for about four years.

 

David W Ebel: the when did Jesus become real?

 

Erin Zandstra: Yeah, so okay. So I started feeling like this can't keep going. I can't keep living like this. I can't keep living this lie. And so I was praying every day on my way to work for something to change. And I just heard Jesus saying to me, like I heard the voice, You have to quit drinking. And and I and I I was talking to Jesus. I was praying. I knew that Jesus was real. Like I had known him in my life. I just had never had that relationship. So I just kept picturing him in the seat next to me in my car, like telling me that I needed to quit drinking. And so I finally made the decision that I was gonna quit. And I got into a program to quit. And that didn't work out, but I was praying through all of this. It wasn't a God-centered program. And so some and some somehow I remembered that the church near me had a counseling program. I had tried it at the beginning of my probation because I didn't know what to do with my life and I was struggling. And I went back there and I tried to go back to this counseling and they let me in and I started the soul cale pro soul care program at my church. And that's where it just bloomed. My relationships just started blooming from there. I wouldn't say it bloomed in joy at first, because it was a lot of conviction and repentance and obedience that had to happen. And none of that felt joyful. It was really hard. But it was But I felt hope. And yeah, so that and from there it's just gotten better and better.

 

David W Ebel: So but at what point can you say as of Tuesday, I gave my heart to Jesus and I f and my I know it was all coming, but what was your a aha moment?

 

Erin Zandstra: Well, I would say it was I would say it was that day in my car. I was driving

 

David W Ebel: Okay.

 

Erin Zandstra: to work and I just like I said, I felt like Jesus was sitting next to me and like holding my hand and telling me That he was gonna help me through it.

 

David W Ebel: Amen.

 

Erin Zandstra: Yeah.

 

David W Ebel: That's all right. Happy tears are important. Happy tears are important.

 

Erin Zandstra: Still makes me cry. Happy tears, yeah, for sure. Yeah. And and yeah, and so from then on I was just like, It's gonna be hard, but it's gonna be better. And I knew he was the only way at that point. And I just said, whatever it is, I give it to you. Like everything. And I still I won't say it was overnight. You know, you still you can you can have that that moment of clarity with Jesus and that surrender and still struggle after that. And I so I still struggled with ways I was gonna go forward and how I was gonna put off all of the things that kept me connected to my sin. And I still so I struggled with that part, but I I just I just had an overwhelming peace in all of that, that he was the way out

 

David W Ebel: Mm-hmm.

 

Erin Zandstra: and the way through. Yeah.

 

David W Ebel: And then when you gave your heart to Jesus, what's what big changes did you notice?

 

Erin Zandstra: I just noticed well I say the overwhelming peace was first a piece I never thought I could feel. And after that it was just a lot of a lot of conviction, a lot of repentance a lot of crying, but cries of cries of forgiveness. Repentance, I felt a lot of grace. it was a lot of mixed emotions, but in that also a clarity because I knew that the foundation was was solid, like a like Jesus is the rock, and he still is my rock. And on that solid foundation, like you can get through anything. And I knew. I knew I knew through the tears that he was that he was in that too. And I think that was that was just the best part of it. Like even through all the conviction and the you know changing of th you know, I had to stop lying. I had to stop doing a lot of things that I was used to doing. And that behavior didn't change overnight. But you know, the Holy Spirit convicted me and I and I listened. to the conviction. But I never had listened before. I think the Holy Spirit probably had c tried to convict me before and I was like, I think I won't listen to that today

 

David W Ebel: Yeah, well, until you're ready to surrender, it's easier to say, I'll put this on the shelf and deal with it later, because I'm not ready to deal with it now. And

 

Erin Zandstra: For sure. Yeah.

 

David W Ebel: you may even acknowledge it all as true.

 

Erin Zandstra: Mm-hmm.

 

David W Ebel: But until you're willing to say, Here, Jesus, I give it to you. And if I have to give it to you 500 more times until you get to keep it, I'm going to keep

 

Erin Zandstra: Yeah.

 

David W Ebel: giving it. I'm going to keep yielding. But the nice

 

Erin Zandstra: Right.

 

David W Ebel: thing is that he says he'll never leave us or forsake us. He'll be with us always. So on the mountaintop he's with us. And the valley is with us. When we're in tears, he's with us. No matter what's going on, even in hard situations, he's still there. And because of that, his Holy Spirit gives us strength and courage and and and and peace and and and hope in the middle of the storm.

 

Erin Zandstra: Yeah. And then I just I you know I I I thought in sobriety I'd be so bored. But God was like, God knows God knows my heart and he knew I needed to fill that space and he found ways to fill that space with him. And so I got into Bible studies. I've I read my Bible every like I just filled all my time with reading scripture and being getting around other godly women and just pouring myself into church.

 

David W Ebel: And now who are you?

 

Erin Zandstra: wow, so now I feel well now I don't identify as this, you know, broken alcoholic who's still in recovery. I don't ever call myself that. I just call myself a daughter of God who has been restored, redeemed, and forgiven.

 

David W Ebel: And if if our viewers or listeners are listening to you and identifying, what hope do they have if they've been wounded by life and they're sitting on the curb watching life go by? What can you say to them that would encourage them to try again, to to that faith and and and tr in hope that was got God gave us at the beginning, how can they use that to get off the curb and get back into life?

 

Erin Zandstra: I would say Think about the direction you want to go and take the next right step towards Jesus. I s I would say God did not create you to be sitting in that broken place. God created you to be A son or daughter of God, fully, fully living in in him with hope and hope for the future, hope for the present, not in shame, not in regret. God just he calls you to a higher purpose and he walks you there and he meets you in that brokenness and brings you through it. And I I just had to do the next right thing. I had to keep doing the next right thing and remember that on the other side of that was grace and mercy and and love.

 

David W Ebel: So you're not defined by your past, you're defined by your choice to trust Jesus and He is your d he is your future.

 

Erin Zandstra: Absolutely. Yeah.

 

David W Ebel: That's a beautiful place to be, isn't it?

 

Erin Zandstra: Yeah, it is.

 

David W Ebel: Any thoughts of going back?

 

Erin Zandstra: No. You know, another another piece of advice I would give people is to not let your circumstances dictate your direction. We can have everybody has everybody can point to a bad circumstance. God is bigger than any circumstance that we could find ourselves in.

 

David W Ebel: Now I always invite people to give us a golden nugget, something that they that people can take from this podcast long after it's you're done listening, and they can pray about it, mull it over, c contemplate however they process things. What would you give them to take in the next week or two and just think about?

 

Erin Zandstra: I would I would say that When that this is how I think about it. When I was a little girl, I didn't ever dream of becoming a person who was Fractured and didn't know love and didn't feel good enough and didn't feel like I belonged and didn't I never I never pictured that life for myself. And I would just say that for everybody, like every living human being in this world. God did not create any of you to live that life. The God of the universe, the creator of the universe, who knows how many hairs are on your head and formed you in your mother's womb, He created you for a life with Him,

 

David W Ebel: Mm-hmm.

 

Erin Zandstra: not a life separate from Him. And I just want everyone to know that joy, the joy of knowing that Christ is our King and we can have a good life. You can have a good, abundant life, not an easy life. But a good, abundant life, restored and renewed and loved and forgiven and free and yeah, just all those things. It's just amazing. And I want everyone to know that.

 

David W Ebel: Well that's a fantastic golden nugget. Everywhere you go, Jesus is with you, whether you want him to be or not. He created you to love. He's always loved you. He will always love you. You can't do enough wrong for him to stop loving you. Because you were born for him to love. You were created in his image from the inside out to love. So the golden nugget you just offered is now that you know love, real godly love, you want that for everybody. What a wonderful thing to offer brothers and sisters or people who could be brothers and sisters in Christ. When you give your heart to Jesus, you're born into the family of God. Therefore, we are brothers and sisters in Christ. Jesus makes his family.

 

Erin Zandstra: Absolutely. Yeah.

 

David W Ebel: And for those that are that are that have struggled and they've got up, tell your story. For those of you who are in the story, living it, don't give up. Don't slow down. It's time for Jesus to do something wonderful in you. But He can, He's a gentleman. He doesn't need robots. He doesn't say, turn off your brain and come to me. He says, Come as you are, but come to me. So let's just give God that chance and watch what He'll do in our lives when we do. Amen. Amen.

 

Erin Zandstra: Amen.

 

David W Ebel: Well, we've had a wonderful conversation, and I'm grateful that you're here. So I would imagine you have a website that we're going to be looking up.

 

Erin Zandstra: Yeah, Zanstra it's Aaron Zanstra dot org.

 

David W Ebel: So for the sake of th those that don't know how to spell your last name, s well slowly say it for us, please.

 

Erin Zandstra: It's Z-A-N D S T R A. sorry, it's Aaron Sandstra dot com. Sorry.

 

David W Ebel: Yeah. Dot com is the normal way.

 

Erin Zandstra: Yeah.

 

David W Ebel: I am so glad you're here and you're at the beginning of the next chapter of the f of the future of your life.

 

Erin Zandstra: Yeah, absolutely.

 

David W Ebel: And I can't wait for what my tomorrow and I can't wait for you to discover your tomorrow. 'Cause you're living well in today.

 

Erin Zandstra: Yeah. Praise God for that. Yeah.

 

David W Ebel: So I'm going to pray, and then I'm going to have a challenge for the people. And then this episode will will be done, but the what was spoken about will live on and on and on. And I hope it will i it will impact hearts and it will change lives. It'll make a difference. That's what we want for you. So let's pray. Heavenly Father, we just come in Jesus' name. We ask for those that are listening and viewing that you would be real in their lives, no matter how much they've gone through and No matter how difficult it has been to get to this point. Or if they are someone who they've not done a lot wrong, but they still feel disconnected and they they feel like there's a piece missing. Lord, whoever they are, regardless of their situation, meet them where they're at. Reveal yourself to them. Let them know and feel your love. Be real in their lives. Give them a hunger to know you. Give them a hunger to find out who you are through the Bible. Give them a hunger to find out who you are by going to a church where they'd use the Word of God as the guiding post for all of life. Teach help them to know how to pray. Let them learn how to pray through with you. Let them learn how to serve you. Change their life through your Holy Spirit from the inside out. If they give their sins to you, you say if we confess our sins, you'd be faithful and just to give us. Forgive us of our sins and all the unright things we've done. So Lord, for those that need needs. To cry out to you today, I pray that they would reach out in faith and admit the things they've done wrong and ask for forgiveness. Then accept your forgiveness and forgive themselves and get up and start the beginning of the next days and months and years of their life. Bless them and help them to be all they can be for you. In Jesus' name, amen.

 

Erin Zandstra: Amen.

 

David W Ebel: And our challenge is simple. You want to know God, seek after Him. You want to know him better? Seek Jesus because Jesus said he was the way to God. So if Jesus is the way to God and you want to know God better, he's made it possible so you can do that. So seek after God. Jesus will give you the way. And that your life will change eternally for the better because you trusted in him. Seek him today.